Tonight I came perilously close to the edge. I felt that lump in my chest that signaled a wave from a dark and suspicious world overwhelming me. When we headed over on the highway to see the Wintercreek puppies, I thought I would fall into the hole and M was overtired and dramatic about coming along because that’s what men do, they say yes ….and I thought it would be so much easier if I were alone to gather myself and my thoughts in some semblance of integrity with boundaries. In stead I felt myself slipping out of myself and into some noir version where there was no way out but down.
Will I ever understand what it is that happens to me at these times? I become entirely vulnerable to visions of failure and despair; I lose all sense of confidence and direction. It’s like a motionless trembling.
I thought: I am trapped into making a decision I know nothing about. I’m making a wild guess that therapy work is going to work, and that I can find the right partner. I’m not sure how I got here and I don’t know how to feel or whether to bolt in or bolt out. As we drove up the driveway though it occurred to me that I didn’t have to give in to this…that I could let it wash away and go inside and see what happens.
And inside was a small miracle. The male puppy who was so poignantly withdrawn was friendly and loving; he had changed overnight. DG was giving me credit for showing him a way out…or a way in. and I suppose the turning point might have come on our first visit when he decided to just trust me. It was moving and I was so relived to think he might have a life after all.
In the corner, covered with blankets and towels was Sandy and her new litter of 6…5 boys and one girl, sired by the remarkable Buzz. We sat with Allie and the little brown pup and Flurry. I was introduced to Molly. A lovely but small 7 month old, as a possibility. She was lively and friendly and then I asked of Carm could come in and there she was in her clownish, bold glory. She is the one I thought…easy going, loving gentle. Her tail was a flag in the air and that’s not good. And she’s kind of lanky and MAYBE goes oversize….
I suggested they think about letting us have her and if she turns out well, I can show her but I wouldn’t want to breed her. She said she’d think on it, but I ‘m not sure the not breed part sunk in.
And then there’s T. (to be continued/SO tired!) I can’t seem to give her up and I can’t seem to say yes. If I were offered C free and clear or T…I’d take C. I just find T so poignant… She is under my skin….
I have to go see her and then sleep on it. Maybe I can spend some time alone with her.