drive into the valley in the morning

Tommorrow is another trip to KV to officially meet L and see how the papillons are with her and vice versa. I’m not sure how I will tell or what I will know; I just have to trust that I will know something. Flynnie will tell me. Now its’ very late, almost 2am. I have a desire for a cigarette.

I get these waves of fear that I will fall into fear, or numb depression, get overwhelmed. Think: what am I doing??? Quietly panic. Especially if it is dark and raining.
I want to plan for that . So what do I know?
Fear and doubt. Almost inevitable. When fear , if fear, laps at my shores, think: uncertainty instead. Unless something blazes DANGER! Then pay attention.

This is my vision. Here is the country in which all that I am was formed. A foggy green pasture with black trees rising out of the mist at dawn. Is it arbitrary? As likely not as yes. The mythic collie appeared in various places at various times for reasons. And always carried the same shield of gentle devotion and care for the small and weak.
Of all the moments when I have pictured doing this work, of going in to help, the picture of the collie has felt the most real. It is the one beyond language. It is the one I can experience the most clearly in my imagination.

There is always the “little” collie, if this doean;t work. We can start smaller. Or we can start smaller and stay small. The sheltie. The litter on the ground. The chance to train a puppy.

If the wave of despair hits..I can choose courage. Do not fall to paralysis. Listen for the bell. Be true to the sounds, but do not fall into that dark crevasse of no action for fear of the unknown.

Is it known or unknown? That is the question. Can you name the fear? Or is it the fear of fear?

Took M to meet Luke the EC this morning. I like him. He’s a lot of fun. When we left, M said he didn’t think the EC was right for the house or for me…the bounce, I think. The long parts that coud get caught. He is a swell dog, but admire him from here. I suppose. I just so enjoy his playfulness, his attempts to talk, his eyelashes, his eye contact. And then I got the photos that Kerrin W-C. took of the B&W litter in Ohio. Man, they’re sweet.

It’s like juggling three diamonds in the air, each with its own charms and advantages. I keep waiting for a clear path and choice forward. I suppose now it’s the dog more than the breed.

breed advantages disadvantages
collie calm, protective, gorgeous, mythical stature for me and for the work. Good source. Nice to train a bigger dog. Size: in house and with papillons. Amount of hair and shedding. Not invited to papillon affairs. MOST compelling
sheltie Best size. Beauty. Gentle, Smart. Litter with excellent bloodlines available Hair and shedding. May be flighty. Barky. Most practical
english cocker Fun. Good size. Happy all the time. Loves kids. Differnet and new temperament. Nice coat. Needs grooming. Bouncy and plays with feet. Hard to find a good one. Long ears.Active different. cheerful!!